From the January 2023 issue of Car and Driver.
Perhaps you’ve heard the term “crowd-sourcing.” It is then that ideas are solicited from the dense masses rather than a small cadre of so-called experts, often producing surprising results. Consider the Volkswagen Tiguan. No, not the car itself, designed by highly trained engineers, but the name—a cross between “tiger” and “iguana.” Thanks, crowd!
Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I can apply mob wisdom to my driving. Could my personal habits and techniques be improved by crowdsourcing? Possible. So I decided to pay extra attention to my fellow drivers and see if I could learn something from the licensed citizens as a whole. Like Tesla’s Full Self-Driving system (constantly in beta testing), I would assimilate their insights and experience to make my own driving super-duper awesome. Here are some things I’ve learned.
For starters, if you’re not sure where you’re going, don’t worry! Drive very slowly, your car prowling the lanes like a two-ton fortune-telling stick, until you learn that perhaps the address you are looking for is a block behind. Then slam on the brakes and turn 16 points there instead of, say, continuing on to the next side street or intersection.
Speaking of crossroads, everyone loves a surprise, so don’t use your turn signal. And when you come to an intersection where it’s the far right lane to turn or go straight, make sure you go straight so that the crew right behind you gets a good chance to relax and take a few minutes out of the intersection. stress of driving a moving vehicle. They’re probably back there grateful for the break.
If you see someone getting ready to parallel park — stopping just past an empty space, with a turn signal indicating their intention to reverse into that space — drive directly over their bumper. Remember, nature hates emptiness.
When you’re driving on a two-lane road with a speed limit of 55 mph, take the bend (however gradual) at 47 mph. But once a zone passes, speed up to 70. If someone still manages to pass you, follow them for half a mile afterward, as if you wanted to drive that fast. Then gradually fade back into whatever 47 mph daydream you were having before the two-lane feed annihilated your fragile ego.
When following at night, make sure your car is slightly to the left of the vehicle in front of you. That way, your headlights can shine directly into the driver’s side mirrors, helping to provide plenty of extra light for everyone. Remember, sharing is caring!
Sometimes on freeways, the two lanes will merge into one, and you may see other drivers form a long line in front of the point where the curb ends. These guys are called suckers, and you should take advantage of them by driving as far as your lane will take you, even if it means getting on two wheels like you’re a stunt double at Nitro Circus. Don’t worry—other drivers will understand that your time is valuable and may even give you a friendly horn or wave of encouragement when you interrupt ahead.
Finally you will reach your destination and need to park. On the way to finding the place, be prepared to drive around for half an hour to avoid walking for 20 seconds. And when you get to the space marked C, ask yourself if that stands for compact or the Chevy Silverado 3500 Duramax dually, which you drive. There’s only one way to find out: Place your truck between the Geo Metro and the Mitsubishi Mirage G4. Then climb up the sunroof, slip on your Oakley, and pat yourself on the back for another good driving episode.
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